


Permanent

by i_heart_danchou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 23:13:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19328059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_heart_danchou/pseuds/i_heart_danchou
Summary: “Erwin?”  Levi asked quietly.  “How did you get this scar?”





	Permanent

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the bottom Erwin week prompt Scars/Bites/Markings! Trigger warning, this one does contain a brief mention of child sex abuse (nothing explicit).

In a lot of ways, Erwin was a very private man.  To most people, he was Commander Erwin Smith, the ruthless, brilliant, somewhat unpredictable leader of the least popular branch of the military.  He was always poised, intelligent, well put together, charismatic and inspirational.  It was a mask that he wore at all times in public, and it served him well.  

One thing which Levi had always admired about Erwin though, was that although he was in many ways reserved, he was also honest and forthright.  It was easy to trust him, to believe in him, to follow him.

Still, he didn’t like to burden other people with his troubles, and Levi knew just how much he shouldered on his own without complaining.  As their relationship became more intimate, Levi found himself wanting Erwin to open up a little more.  He wanted to help him manage the dark shadows around his heart.  It started as a game.  Levi would give him some of the best sex he’d ever had, and gaze at him under the warm light of the candles.   He’d scan his skin for imperfections, run his fingers along the thin red lines, and demand an explanation.  

The first time it happened was sweet, actually.  Erwin’s hair had fallen out of its perfectly coifed state during a particularly enthusiastic coitus as Levi took him from behind, and afterwards Levi had tried to gently brush his hair back into place.  The scar was a thin one, an old one, but one that he’d never really noticed before, just kissing the edge of a glorious eyebrow.  “Erwin?  Where’d you get this scar?”

They hadn’t been dating long, and perhaps Erwin wanted to play the story up a little bit.  “Alright, I want you to imagine me as a newly graduated cadet.  Top ten of my class, unbearably adorable, bright shiny eyes full of dreams for the future.”

“So some smelly punk kid full of bullshit, yeah.”

Erwin huffed a laugh.  “No I was a flaxen haired angel and you wouldn’t have been able to keep your hands off me.”  He pointed out Levi’s hands which were still caressing his skin.  “Anyway it was my first mission, I wasn’t really sure what to expect.  Titans, obviously, but I wasn’t sure how I would fare.  I knew as well as anyone that a scout was most likely to die on his first outing.”  

Levi was quiet and respectful as Erwin’s tone went more serious, and he listened intently to the tale.  

“We got ambushed by an abnormal.  I was thrown off my horse and cut my forehead on a rock, I think.  I’m lucky I didn’t get a concussion.  I was disoriented, and I couldn’t figure out why the thing wasn’t eating me.”  Erwin’s voice was somber.  “It had gotten one of my squad mates.  I couldn’t help, he was already dead by the time I realized.  He gave me enough time to get away.” 

Levi kissed Erwin’s jaw.  “You did well to survive.”  He told him.  “You’re good at that.  It’s nice to be able to trust that you can take care of yourself.”  He grabbed Erwin’s hand.  “What about this one?”  
  
“This one on my right hand?  This one that you gave me when we met?”  
  
Levi nodded, kissing the slightly paler skin.  

“I’d just recruited an incredible young man to the SC.  He and I were at odds at times, but I really respected him.  After a tragic loss, his temper flared and he drew his blade on me, intent to kill in his eyes.”  Erwin kissed Levi’s hair.  “I didn’t want to fight him.  He was too good, he was too valuable.  I wanted him to see the beautiful future we could carve together.  This scar reminds me of how much I respect that man.  How lucky I am to have found him.”  
  
“Suck up.”  Levi sounded pleased.     

Erwin smiled then, and squeezed his hand.  Levi hoped very much he was feeling at peace.

**

He asked about Erwin’s scars whenever he felt the other man was struggling with his burdens, or whenever a new injury added itself to Erwin’s repertoire.  The chats gave Erwin a chance to work through his trauma, to explore the circumstance of his injuries, and to come to terms with them.  

Sometimes the conversations were sweet, like the story of the scar Erwin got when his father was teaching him to ride a horse.  He’d tripped on the way into the barn and scraped his knee quite badly, and his father had gotten him a pink juicy peach and made a big fuss over him all day.  

Sometimes the conversations taught Levi something he’d never known about Erwin.. like that after his father had died, he’d been passed around different relatives who didn’t want him.  How one of them had beaten him with a belt, how he’d joined the military the moment he turned twelve to get away from him. 

Erwin’s quiet strength impressed Levi, and he told him so at the end of each story.  “It’s amazing you’re not more like Eren.”  He muttered one day after hearing of Erwin’s troubled past.

“What do you mean?”  

“You both lost your parents.  You both had your lives seriously disrupted by forces outside your control.  You both joined the military young cause you had no choice.  Yet all I see in him is rage.”  He looked into Erwin’s eyes.  “You remember your father with fondness and love.  You’re not bitter about what happened to you.  You took your trauma on board and it made you stronger.  Better.  I really respect that, Erwin.”

Erwin’s smile was bright and warm, and Levi’s heart was singing.

**

Sometimes Erwin tried to ask Levi about his scars too, but Levi didn’t really like to go down that avenue of discussion.  It hadn’t gone well the first time.  

“Levi?”  He laced their fingers together.  “Where did you get this scar?” Erwin gestured to a faint line around Levi’s wrist.  

“Oh.  Before my mom died she got real sick one year and couldn’t pay off a debt.  The whorehouse owner kept me chained up while I paid off the money.  One of the guys gave me medicine for her, I was really glad.”  

Erwin looked truly horrified.  “How.. how old were you?”

Levi shrugged.  “I dunno, seven?  It’s hard to keep track.  I never told my mother how we got the money.”  He rolled his eyes.  “Don’t give me that look.  It’s fine, they’re all dead now.”

Erwin didn’t let the matter go, and much of the evening was spent discussing Levi’s objectively horrific childhood.  After that first instance, Levi made a point to keep his own stories simple.  He didn’t want Erwin to compare their traumas, nor to feel his were any less valid.  So the next time Erwin asked about one of his scars, he just shrugged and gave a simple answer.  “Knife fight.”  “Bastard talked back.”  “Your stupid plan.”

Eventually Erwin stopped asking.  

**

Levi got into the habit of asking about scars whose origin he already knew too well.  Erwin bore his wounds with dignity and class, but Levi doubted he was handling things as well as he appeared.  His perfect commander mask stayed in place always, but after he’d lost his arm, Erwin… changed, a little.  He’d always been vulnerable to self doubt and depression but… it was worse, recently.

He was just about ready to return to work after losing his arm, and Levi was curled up against him in bed.  Erwin had suggested sex, and Levi had turned him down since he didn’t want to take any chances with opening his wounds again.  He was healing well, but it had been very touch and go for a while.  

“Erwin?”  Levi asked quietly.  “How did you get this scar?”  His little hand gently caressed what was left of Erwin’s deltoid, stopping as he reached the frayed edges of his bandage.  

“Levi… you know what happened.”  Erwin sounded far away.

“I want you to tell me anyway.”

Erwin breathed in through his nose.  “Reiner and Bertholt had Eren.  They were making a break for it, and there was no way to get Eren back with Reiner’s armor in the way.   I thought of what we could do, what weapons that we had at our disposal that could possibly be effective against his armor and it hit me.  Titans.”  Erwin swallowed and looked at his stump.  “I took as many of the men as I could and led a charge to round the titans up, to use them as a weapon.  We’d overwhelm Reiner with numbers, he’d be forced to use his hands to defend himself, and we could get Eren back.”  He swallowed.  “I had my arm outstretched.  I never thought of how dangerous that was before, especially when the titans were so densely packed together.  I didn’t see the one that got me, it was hidden by some trees.”

There was a thin sheen of sweat on Erwin’s forehead, and Levi kissed his cheek.  “All of a sudden I was off my horse, blinded with pain.  It bit down to the bone and just held me like that, shaking me like a chew toy.  I could feel my bone splintering, my blood was all over my face, I couldn’t get away.  The men hesitated, and I urged them on.  We couldn’t miss this chance, not for something so replaceable.”

Levi frowned.  “You’re not replaceable. You’re brilliant.  You are humanity’s hope, and we’d be screwed without you.”

Erwin managed a little smile.  “I don’t know about that.”  He licked his lips.  “Two soldiers came for me.  One killed the titan, the other helped me sever my own arm at the bone.  He hesitated, he had to strike me more than once.  It was extremely unpleasant.”

That detail was one which hadn’t been shared with Levi before, and he squeezed Erwin tight.  He wished that he’d been there.  Erwin never would have been hurt if he’d been there.  

“I couldn’t tie a tourniquet on my own, so they made one up for me.  I lost a lot of blood, it was hard to stand.”

Erwin was going to leave the story at that, but Levi wouldn’t let him.  “And even so, you single handedly— shit, I mean— you know— your crazy plan worked and you got Eren back.  You lead everyone home to safety, and you did it like a badass.  You saved the day.”

“And got dozens of men killed.”  He swallowed thickly.  “I don’t get it, Levi.  Why do I keep surviving?  A man came to help me and he got eaten in front of me, screaming for me to help.  I couldn’t move, I couldn’t fight, I could barely stay on my horse.  I shouldn’t be here.”

“But you are.”  Levi swore to him.  “And I’m glad.  I’m so glad.  I would be lost without you.”

**

Admittedly, Levi couldn’t always see there Erwin’s plans were headed, but he trusted him and did whatever Erwin asked.  So when Erwin asked for his help to take down the government, he had no objections in particular.  Things went as well as could be expected, but Levi was truly, truly horrified to hear that his commander had been sentenced to death.

Although the military takeover went just fine, he was more horrified still to see the state of Erwin’s face by the time they were finally reunited.  It was dark, and at first Levi couldn’t appreciate the extent of the damage.  

Once things were a bit more settled and the sun rose, Levi assessed his love.  His face was swollen to hell, there were bruises on his wrist and neck and fuck knows where else.  He’d been tortured, badly tortured, and he was acting like nothing was wrong.

It was all Levi could do not to strip him down and examine him right then and there.  He was angry that Erwin had been subject to such abuse, angrier still that once again he hadn’t been there to protect him.  He kept a distance and was even a bit snippy with Erwin that day, until they found some private time together that night.  

Levi took his time and slowly stripped Erwin down, brows pinching a little more as each cut, scrape and bruise was revealed.  He’d been beaten.  He’d been burned.  Levi wasn’t sure what else and it made him sick.  “Open your mouth.”  He ordered.  “Let me see.”

Erwin gave Levi a look before obligingly opening his mouth.  All of his teeth were still there, mild swelling around his lip, some of the cheek… could be worse.  His fingernails were all there too, and prison rape didn’t really seem to be the MPs style… not the above ground one, anyway.  

Levi made a cool compress and placed it against Erwin’s eye.  “You look like a titan.  All swollen and goofy.  You should be more careful or people will stop calling you commander handsome.”

Erwin winced slightly as pressure was applied to his face, but he lay down in Levi’s lap and shut his eyes.  “Noted.  You did well today, thank you.”

Levi stroked Erwin’s forehead.   “And you took over the government without killing anyone.  No biggie.”  He sighed.  “Erwin?  Do you want to tell me about how you got these scars?”

A look of genuine pain crossed Erwin’s features.  “Levi…”

“You don’t have to.”  Levi reminded him.  “But I want to know.  I want to help you heal.”

Erwin snuggled into Levi’s thigh.  He spoke in a detached way and didn’t make eye contact.  Levi was startled to hear Erwin focus not on the physical torture he endured, in fact that had been one of the easier parts of their separation… instead, he focused on the war that still raged in his mind.  If he had doomed humanity through his actions.  

“I had a long carriage ride with Zackley.”  He continued, his voice strained.  “We’re the same.”  

Levi didn’t know Zackley that well, but he sure as fuck didn’t like him.  Erwin was vulnerable after his injury and torture, perhaps more still because he hadn’t had a proper rest since he’d become commander.  The man had gotten into his head.  Erwin’s mask was starting to break, and Levi wasn’t sure how much more it could withstand.

**

Levi shut the wooden door behind him, keeping his back flush against it as he caught his breath.  Fuck.  Erwin’s blood had soaked into his clothes and the chill from it was horrific and upsetting.  He appreciated the distraction though, from the crushing reality which he now faced.

A life without Erwin.

Levi had been there this time.  He’d been with Erwin and he couldn’t protect him.  Nothing felt real yet, and nothing felt right.  

Erwin Smith lay on the neat little bed in front of him, his skin pale, his blood leaking out onto the mattress, his hair all mussed up.  Levi swallowed.  This wouldn’t do.  Erwin hated to look unkempt.  As gently and carefully as he could, Levi straightened out his uniform, brushed the dirt off his skin and ensured his bolo tie was gleaming.  He brushed Erwin’s hair back with his fingers, and smoothed it out the way he’d liked it.

Lastly he put Erwin’s hand over his chest in salute, ever the brilliant, dedicated commander.  He hoped that Erwin would be remembered like this.  

Levi let out a shuddering breath and knelt beside Erwin on the floor, placing his hand over Erwin’s.  

“Erwin?”  His voice was small and it fucking hurt to talk.  “Do… you wanna know how you got this scar?” He didn’t touch the wounded area, perhaps out of fear for hurting Erwin even now, but he gestured to it.  

“You were brave.  You were selfless.  You led the Survey Corps to victory and everyone is so proud of you.  You faced your fears and you gave up your dreams for us.  We couldn’t have done it without you.  Any of it.  You got this scar because you’re amazing.  You got this scar because you’re the best humanity has to offer.”  He bit his lip.  “You got this scar because you won.”

He ran his hand up Erwin’s arm and stopped at the pearl of blood which had soaked through his sleeve from where Levi had had the needle in.  “And… you got this one because I love you.”  He kissed Erwin’s cheek and pressed their foreheads together.  “Because I want you to be free.  Because you deserved better.”  

He kissed Erwin one last time and covered his face with his cloak.  His eyes were dull and empty, and he wondered whether the scar on his heart would kill him.


End file.
